One day at a time

I have been here for 17 days, but I’ve learned so many things already!

To my dear friends, I am going to make you proud. 

15 things I learned in 2 and a half weeks (more to come)!!!!!! :

1. how to bathe a 4-year old

2. how to cook rice perfectly 

3. how to cook / make oatmeal.. with the right amount of milk and brown sugar 

4. how to make the perfect coffee – not too strong, not too bland

5. HOW TO VACUUM.. I CLEAN MY OWN MESS

6. how to put a 4-year old to sleep

7. how to watch and actually wait for teleseryes (lessens homesickness a lot)

8. how to make and bake the perf red velvet cake and ny cheesecake *wink*

9. how to put the groceries in the pantry, fridge and elsewhere. not to mention, i also carry them out from the car!

10. how to operate the washing machine and the dryer (although im still getting the hang of it)

11. how to SCREW my corkboard onto the wall.. nope, i dint use double-sided.. i used screws

12. how to be have my luggage as my cabinet for 15 days.. it takes a LOT of patience and neatness

13. how to sleep alone with the lights off in my room

14. how to regularly check the mailbox (not as boring as i imagined it to be)

15. how to just let things be. what’s meant to happen will happen 🙂 

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“The best kind of love is the quiet one”

And that is surely what i am having. Tonight, someone told me “wala nang magkkeep up sa tantrums mo”.
Funny, I thought. People I don’t talk to that much anymore think I’m heading to the wrong direction with the wrong people just because they’re not in my life anymore.
I would want to say that if only you brought out the good in me and treated me really well, I would have made all the efforts to keep you.
And lastly, you’re definitely wrong.

Someone definitely is putting up gladly with my out-of-this-world tantrums, mood swings and antics.
I’ve never been this happy and peaceful and contented.
That’s all I have to say to you 🙂

I am 37,000 ft frm the ground as I write this. As each minute passes by, the distance between you and I is increasing as well.

You were the hardest to leave. We werent together everyday, we would just see each other on schooldays and maybe once or twice a month, on weekends. But every time I was with you, you made me feel like it was always the best time I’ve yet to experience.
There’s something about you that I have never, ever seen in anyone else. There’s something that draws me to you every single time.
As I write this, I wonder how we would be like half a year from now. Would we still talk? Would we have survived the distance? Would we be strangers again? I am hoping and wishing for the best. But I am not expecting life to be always as sweet as it is now. There will be rough edges, as you said. I wonder if we could ever smoothen those out.

Anyway, whatever happens, I just hope you know how happy you made me feel, how wonderful the memories you brought to me are. I hope you know that whatever happens, you will always own a special place in me. I will always be thankful that for a moment in my life, we happily journeyed together. I will always be thankful for the good and the bad times- as long as it was with you. And i hope that wherever you are, whenever that time may be, you will feel the same, too.
I do hope you also know i’m willing to do anything.. Anything.

“My love, I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. You gave me a forever within the numbered days, and I’m grateful.”

I will always, always be grateful.

Why let everything go?

2 nights. I have two nights left in my comfort zone.

Around 6 people have already asked me why I am leaving, why I’m risking everything when I’m literally having the time of my life here the past months. 

Honestly, I asked the same question to myself. I actually blamed my mom at some point. But I suddenly realized that this was my decision in the first place – it was me who volunteered the idea of entering first year of college in dlsu first before leaving. Back then, a year ago, I never knew it would be a million times harder to leave.

If I left before college, I’d be leaving fewer people and fewer memories. But still, I definitely have NO regrets. I can never say thank you enough to dlsu for giving me the best, and i mean the BEST memories I could ever have. It was such a wonderful, amazing year with the best people. And as I said earlier, I definitely had the time of my life- i was at the peak of happiness, it was pure bliss.

Reality should take place now, though. The real reason why I decided to push through with my plan is because I want this to be my stepping stone in pursuing my higher dreams. I have many of it. As much as I don’t want to accept it, going and studying abroad can give me a higher chance of pursuing those. Besides, I also thought about the chance and the support my family has been giving me. Many people dream of studying elsewhere, and here I am, being pushed by everyone to go and get the best possible education for myself. I can never thank them enough, too. 

Meanwhile, I am feeling scared, sad, excited and anxious all at the same time.

Almost everyone know that I am someone who loves adventures. And for me, a real adventure is the risk we take. Adventures are best done by ourselves in an unfamiliar place. I am ready for the biggest change and the biggest adventure yet that I am about to experience. Even  if “starting over” isn’t really applicable to me right now since I am happy with everything, I think it would be nice for me to be in a new environment with new people. I have to step out of my comfort zone, I have to go out there in the real world. I have to leave, and come back even better.

My worries and fears about leaving people lessened somehow. i figured that although presence is extremely important in all relationships, the people who love and care for you the most can understand that when the going gets tough, you can be a call and a mesage away – the hugs, kisses and the comfort food that comes with it can wait months after.

“One of the interesting side effects of moving across the world for an as-yet-undetermined length of time is seeing friendships molt, wither, and then–usually–fade into oblivion. Most friends and lovers (I hate that term, by the way, but it’s more palatable than “person you are occasionally boning”) become nothing more than a few conversations over the span of a year that consist mostly of “Man, it’s been forever. Wow.””

When I get back, I will be a step closer to having I have ever dreamed of- and also, by then, I would have figured out who the worthy people were all along.

Hoping, wishing and praying. The best days are yet to come 🙂 

To You

(Taken from a Tumblr post by strawberrytelle)

“I’m sorry I always hurt you. I’m sorry I’m a bitch when I dont try to be. I’m sorry you think I’m mad at you when I’m really not. I’m sorry you think I’m trying to mold you or you have to change who you are for me because I love you just the way you are because I always have and I always will. I’m sorry I have outbursts of anger that can hurt you. I’m sorry you think I’m not as understanding as I really am. I’m sorry that I can’t control my emotions and that when you see them it’s usually when I’m about to break. I’m sorry I don’t tell you everything. I’m sorry you think it’s because I don’t love you and I don’t trust you but really I don’t want you to have to worry about me too. I’m sorry that I can’t be better for you. I’m sorry that I’m really a horrible person. I’m sorry you think I don’t wanna visit you when actually that’s the only thing that I’m looking forward to this year and it keeps me going. I’m sorry I’m so fucked up. I’m sorry I’m so unfair to you because I am. I’m sorry you think I don’t appreciate you when you’re the only thing in my life I’d do almost anything to keep in my life. I’m sorry I’ve taken advantage of you. I’m sorry I did what I did. I’m sorry I make you feel like you’re always doing something wrong when you’re not. I’m sorry I’m such an asshole. I’m sorry I probably make you regret coming into my life. I’m sorry you probably regret what you sent me. Sometimes I’m sorry I was born then you wouldn’t have to deal with my shit. Most of all I’m sorry for adding to your pain. But I want you to know that I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. I need you. I love you. I love you so much. I know you don’t understand how much or why, but I do. I’d do anything in the world for you. Even if it meant I’d die trying. I love you to hell on earth, heaven on earth, back again, into, under, far in between, through it, in it, and above. I promise, I promise. I just want you to realize how much I care. When I hit rock bottom everything is bad, everything is a lie, everything is horrible, everything hurts and nothing is beautiful, everything is magnified 20,00 times and it’s not your fault. But when I come out of it and you’re the light at the end of the tunnel, I’m glad I survived it. You made this world tolerable. You kept me going. you still do. Always always. I just want you to believe that I’m here for you.
I trust you with my heart, I trust you with my mind. I trust you with everything.
I hope you know that. I love you. I trust you.”

Limits

I reach out to only few people. And when I do that to you, you MUST be important to me. I seldom cling because I am scared of attachments.. Even to friends. 

Lately, one instance hit me really hard. I realized how ungrateful people can get. I realized how much they can take you for granted, especially when you give them your all. They can get too caught up with their lives that when they don’t need you, they will actually seem to forget you exist. 

If I was the same me 9 months ago, I would cry over this and probably try harder. Reach out even more and forget about myself.. again.

But now, this made me think that we must let go of people who can’t even protect us, what more to be there in times of dire need? This made me appreciate the other people I have. The people who have been there all along- good or bad, the ones who understood, the ones who reach out every now and then, the ones who talk to me just because they want to – no other reason why. 

At one point, I got so affected, I started panicking. But then, I asked myself, “will this thing and/or person even matter 5-10 years from now?” Sadly, the answer was no. From then on, I knew I am going to stop.

I wish I could escape and getaway from reality sometimes, though. There are still days and nights when all I could think of is me being 4000 miles away from this chaotic and crazy world. Starting over, meeting new people and just.. you know, re-arranging everything in your life- it can bring so much pain, but it can make you a better person. 

For now, all I can say is.. 

To the people who have been there all along / trying to , thank you for being there whenever I lose myself, whenever I need a hand to hold, whenever I need moments – good or bad. I can never, ever thank you enough. And the only thing I can promise you is even if I will be thousands of miles away soon.. you won’t be forgotten.. ever. 🙂 

Still thankful for everything. No regrets. Thank You.

Best things in my life

20 of the best feelings in the entire universe for me 🙂 

1. Finally letting your pee out after a painfully long time ( I AM SORRY BUT IT’S TRUE )

2. Waking up snuggled in a comfy bed with duvet and pillows with the sun’s rays going through the curtains

3. Breakfast with the entire family

4. Being in one room with all of your favorite people

5. That hug and kiss after the longest time

6. The warmth you feel after being in a reaaally cold place for a long time

7. That familiar smell you get after being away from a certain person / place / thing after a long time

8. Quiet evenings with the people closest to you- reminiscing about old times, having a good laugh and everything in-between

9. Realizing that you’ve come so far without actually noticing it

10. THAT stare. The look of assurance and certainty.

11. Fresh and clean sheets. Period.

12. 911 calls from friends- and being the fastest ambulance to come to their rescue

13. Staying in on a Friday night with good food & good company

14. When you finally get what you have been craving for the longest time

15. Waking up in a  much better place after a bad / stressful day 

16. Sleeping and waking up next to your favorite person 

17. Impromptu family trips – near or far

18. When your jeans FINALLY get a little loose

19. realizing you have more time to sleep-in on a rainy day 

20. The little things and intimate moments- holding someone’s hands, a baby’s laugh, etc

Life is beautiful- beyond beautiful. You just got to appreciate the little things, and make the most out of it 🙂