Why being up at 4 am can kill you

My mom and a friend once told me that I had the strongest walls. I shrugged them off, thinking that it wasn’t really true. How can it be real if I had someone at that time, if I always love making people feel cared for?

And then a few nights ago, I have come to realize that after 4 years, what they told me is actually true. I do have the strongest walls.

Yes, I let people in. I let them take over me sometimes. I let them make me feel loved and cared for. I have done it several times already. But by strong walls, I mean.. I haven’t let anyone break me since then. Since I got hurt badly the first time around. Every time I feel like someone was taking me for granted or simply taking over my emotions most of the time, I seem to just distance myself… I back out.

I am happy. Really happy with everything I have right now. I let people make me happy. But at the end of the day, I always wonder why after the longest time, I am still afraid to fully invest my emotions in something impermanent, in something which seems temporary.

I am not really done yet with this little problem I have. Hahaha. I am just waiting for someone to really break my walls, or at least trim it down.

You will all know it when that happens cause I will break. I will let myself break- and I will have no control over it anymore. And when that happens, I will rebuild walls again. Only when I do it, it will be better, not stronger.. Just better. And more welcoming. 


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