Just one last time

It’s been exactly two years.

I remember losing myself at this exact time two years ago. I remember crying and breaking down for so many nights until I fall asleep. I remember promising myself that I would never, ever trust people easily again. I remember being so disappointed at myself for doing those things, but at the same time, I was so disappointed at some people because THAT was the perfect time that I needed someone that I could hold a tight grip on to.. But no, they were not there.. at all. I only had two people who were with me, who I never heard any “what ifs” from, who never left until I was on my way to self-betterment. 

Those days were dark. Very, very dark. But then again, who am I to complain? I was the one who caused the whole thing. Maybe, I was used to people not leaving me no matter what that it actually surprised me that someone had the courage to go. It was wrong, I know. But up to now, I know I can never blame myself for it. I never wanted it to happen.. I never wanted to hurt anyone. I never meant to hurt anyone

Months after, it made me realize the harsh truth- people leave.. and somehow, someone you truly care about will disappoint you, one way or another.

As I look back now, it seems like it was sooo long ago. I remember what happened and how I reacted to it, but I dont really remember how it actually felt. Now, the thought of it makes me smile rather than frown. 

One year ago, I cannot really say that I was okay, that everything was fine. I still had “what ifs”, I still had strong, very strong walls. I was still scared to let people in. I was so scared to trust anyone. Some of my friends would often talk to me about loosening and opening up, but I always shrugged it off.

But now, for the first time ever, I can actually say that I have moved on, that I am finally okay. Yes, the trust I had for some people never really came back, but since I started over, I have never felt this better.  I stopped being scared to let go cause I know that better things might actually come my way. 

After soooo long, I can now say that I am in the peak of my teenage life.. or maybe not, but I am on my way up. I am happy, contented and surrounded with real people this time. I am not scared to leave unworthy friends and people anymore. I still have strong walls, but I am no longer scared of the people who are wanting to come in, I am actually welcoming them with open arms now. And lastly, I now love myself more than anything else.. and that’s a good start to give and receive love from everyone else. 

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